“The Masochist finds satisfaction and even pleasure in suffering. Therefore, they subconsciously seek pain and humiliation.” Lise Bourbeau
Wound | Betrayal |
Mask | The Controller |
Greatest fear | Dissociation and denial |
Greatest need | Freedom |
Parent | Of the opposite sex |
Awakening of the wound
Whatever the circumstance that leads the child to feel that his parent has failed, when the wound is revealed, it permanently modifies the emotional apparatus of the child
Recognising the Controller
- The Controller’s mood is changeable. Sometimes whimsical, sometimes empathetic and full of love, his attitude can “twist” from one second to the next. He can get angry over little things. Any situation, no matter how trivial, becomes an evacuator of unconscious suffering, to the detriment of his own health and the well-being of the people around him.
- Controllers are very demanding people of themselves and others. For them, it is unimaginable not to complete their projects; in case it happens, the person in need of control will interpret it as a lack of courage, tenacity. A judgement that he also makes about those around him. The intolerance of the controllers makes collaboration with others difficult.
- Controllers have a strong or even very strong personality that makes it a point of honour to have the last word and whose ego takes up far too much space.
- Being the first, the best in everything, is the number 1 goal, whatever the field. To achieve this, anything goes. Those most intimately affected by a betrayal may go so far as to allow themselves to lie, to manipulate, to be hypocritical in order to maintain an illusion of power and crush any possible rival. The extent of this phenomenon is directly related to the depth of the wound.
- Controllers don’t like to talk about their own business, but love to meddle in other people’s business. They have difficulty trusting and often react more negatively with the opposite sex.
- Restless, the Controller likes to show what he has done. He needs to feel valued, otherwise he will feel great inner distress.
- A controlling person would like everyone to endorse their view of things. A cold, hard tone can sharpen his words in such a way as to impose, by the tone, his points of view, his demands. Around him, sensitive people will find it very difficult to maintain a good relationship. Especially since the controller does not realise the harm that his attitude and his mood swings can cause. As a rule, he is not very tolerant. This person shuns assertive people, because their outspokenness, their capacity for independent action makes them out of control. He will be able to cut off shamelessly, but will retaliate with force if he is the victim. The need for domination goes beyond the controlling one. Since these people are quick and incisive in their actions, their tolerance for the slowest infuriates them. It is not uncommon for them to get angry when their expectations are not met, even if this attitude crushes those around them.
- The controlling person does not confide much and hates showing his weaknesses, because he is afraid that others will take advantage of them. Not easily forgiving, he is also very resentful; he can disown someone for a small innocuous fault.
- The controller tries, in all circumstances, to respect its commitments. He tries to be faithful in everything. Very demanding with himself, he likes to show it to others. The idea of ??a couple separating, for example, is for him a terror, because in his mind it would necessarily be synonymous with defeat. Being left is experienced as an affront.
- The controller is very punctual and picky. He will tend to put pressure on himself, by wanting, for example, to constantly submit his work on time and preferably in advance.
- His need for control over others is, in his mind, a form of guarantee against possible betrayal. Dominating, making others dependent is a way to ensure a certain loyalty.
- The controller also seeks to control, to plan his future. So he is never in the present moment. And if things don’t go the way he planned, he freaks out. He struggles with laziness and only rests once he feels his work has been done perfectly.
The Controller’s Greatest Fear His biggest fear is separation. He is both afraid of being betrayed and of being seen as a traitor. Controllers tend to attract unstable, non-committal relationships. They regard any promise as very serious, immutable. A disengagement is unthinkable for him. He therefore prefers not to commit, rather than having to break an oath one day. If he ends up getting involved, in a marriage for example, he will choose a “controllable” partner, who he is “certain” will not leave.
How to heal this need for compulsive control?
- Admit the problem
- Observing yourself acting and reacting to reduce anger and tension.
- Stop wanting to be right over and over again; everyone can have good ideas and opinions.
- Do things for pleasure and not to be put on a pedestal, dominate or attract attention.
- Stop sulking, blackmailing, blaming others and take responsibility for your life and happiness.
- Become aware that this omnipresent ego is a bad judge.
How do you apprehend a loved one who is suffering from betrayal?
- Look at it from a new angle. See him as this little child who suffers, who does not control what he feels. It’s all a matter of perception. This should be a first step on the way to dissipating the hold he has on you.
- Don’t submit to him anymore. Keep in mind that you are as valuable as her, even if your visions of things are contradictory. It is not because the controlling person speaks loudly and imposes his point of view by devaluing yours that he is necessarily right.
- Avoid any judgement or surge of anger by perceiving these characteristics. It is important not to fall into the trap of frontal accusation. The person does not realize the psychic mechanism at work.